Terrapin Station

Support your local clergyperson

Most of you know I'm on the board of RevGalBlogPals, a non-profit that started as a blog-ring. The ring grew out of a group of bloggers who had gotten together on the internet in the early 2000's, and most of them were women in or headed for ordained ministry.

I'm not in or headed for that. But I love these folks and what they talk about, and I count some of them as my best friends...even if we have never met. You can read more about the diversity of the group here.  I've spent a lot of time in the last several years supporting clergy, and also hearing about some of the things that make their calls difficult, painful, draining. 

In discerning that I was NOT called to ordained ministry, I started saying, "I'm called to be a faithful and involved layperson, and to support my own clergy and other clergy as much as I can."

What does that really mean, to support clergy? Do they need special support?

Today there's a heartbreaking story online about a pastor who ended his life by suicide. I have no idea what happened with that person and his congregation. But, for whatever it's worth, I present here my promises to the clergy at my own parish:

1. If I have a question for or a problem with you, I will take it directly to you. I might run it by my spiritual director, but no one in my own congregation. 

2. I won't hear or participate in gossip or complaining about you. If I am approached with that sort of thing, I will always say, "you know, we don't really know the whole story on that, and I don't think our talking about it will help."

3. If someone comes to me with a personal complaint about you, I'm going to tell them to talk with you directly. 

4. I will not expect you to be perfect, nor to be the Beloved Former Pastor (or even to be like him/her).

5. I will not expect you to be my best friend, or to confide in me about anyone else at this church.

6. I will remember that you have a personal life and it's not all about this place. I will support your setting healthy boundaries. 

7. I will always be praying for you, for your work in our parish and for things I know nothing about. 

8. This is my church, and that of the others in the congregation. I am, we are, responsible for its growth, support, and success. You will leave us eventually, and that is right and proper. Even if I don't love everything about a particular clergyperson, I'm not huffing off mad. This is my church, my community, my spiritual home. 

I hasten to add that I have taken several Safe Church trainings, and I know that there are some times to speak up...to a vestry member, diocesan official, etc. But those times are the exceptions.  

We tend to think of clergy as larger than life, and we also often ascribe our own issues to them. In the Episcopal church, where clergy are often referred to as "Father X" and "Mother X," that is especially tricky. I found recently that when my rector requested something of me as an altar server, I was coming back crisply with, "Yes, sir!" Um, really? Just because the way he addresses me reminds me of my dad in those situations does not mean that I have to respond as if I am nine years old. (I'm working on that.) "Pastor" might be an easier honorific, but we don't use that term. 

I personally address clergy by their first names unless I am speaking to or in front of youth, where I use those titles as a courtesy. I need to remember that my clergy are people...people who have joys and sorrows and foibles and who serve alongside me, with special obligations and responsibilities. 

What do you think? How do you support your clergy? 

 

NaBloPoMo Day One

RevGalBlogPals began around 2004/5 when a group of us somehow found each other on blogs.

Today, write about how you met a friend/group of friends. Where? How? How have the relationships changed; how have they stayed the same?

Valerie as Hello Kitty, Halloween 2014

I met my friend Valerie when I came to interview for my job at UNT. That was eighteen years ago, so it's the longest-lived friendship of my life (except that I enjoy with my family members).

She was working as the newly hired administrative assistant in the Study Abroad office, starting that summer. I came to UNT in September. She was the first person I really knew, and the first person I spent time with, because we did things together with and for our exchange students.

That first year, we had a Thanksgiving dinner at my home for the students and our staff. It was her first introduction to Big Idea Woman Butler: the one who has fantastic ideas without necessarily thinking them all the way through. In this case, it turned out fine. The weather was fantastic, so the 20+ people who came were able to spill out of my little duplex into the yard (both front and back!) and a great time was had by all.

We also took that first group to Six Flags over Texas at some point during the year. I realized that I was not as young as I had been. The students all took off togther as soon as we went in the gates, and Val and I spent the day together. Dutifully (?) we went on a bunch of rides and did all the things. Gosh, I was tired at the end of that day.

Over the 14 years that we worked together daily, we did any number of work-related things; she was my right hand person in every way. We also became fast friends. We are both big readers and we enjoy the same kinds of humor. We are also very different in many ways (I am not dressed up for Halloween, today, for instance..)

When I moved out of the study abroad job, we decided to meet for pre-work coffee one day a week, to ensure that we stayed caught up. Eventually that wasn't enough, and now we also meet for dinner one night a week, with a brisk walk before. We've had to be intentional about keeping that up, but it is absolutely worth it. Now she works at the other university in town, but we still meet at least twice a week. With the removal of the work relationship we are able to be more fully ourselves together. What a blessing. What a gift.

 

 

 

Who Knows?

Later this month, Ken and I will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. That, in context with the previous post here, have me thinking how mysterious this life really is; how we never can really know what's coming down the road, and how we grow as we go along.

15 years ago, I was a different person, but still me. How does that work? Who knows?

I couldn't have known how my relationships with my kids (who are mine courtesy of Ken) could have grown and changed me. How time would gift me with two great people and their partners (and a baby granddaughter!)

How could I have known how greatly my understanding of God and God's role in my life would change? that associating with a group of women clergy and supporting them would become a major passion of my life?

Recently I took one of those Facebook quizzes that tells you what flower you are, who your evil twin is, etc. This one was about "which denomination should you be in?" and the answer I got was "Unitarian Universalist." It didn't surprise me...I once had a counseor, raised Episcopalian and worshipping Unitarian, say, "You sound awfully Unitarian to me." I'm not particularly orthodox. Looking at my beliefs in EFM has helped me to see that I believe a lot of church doctrine, but I would not fight for it. The virgin birth, for instance. I believe that God is totally capable of doing that, if God wants to. And if that were not to be the truth, it would not upset me at all.

How could I have guessed it would go that way? How could it be predicted? It couldn't. That's what makes life interesting, I guess.

Tonight I made mushroom stroganoff and walked the dogs and did laundry. Things are good. Life is good.

 

Facebook got mad at me...

...and it gave me a new view.

The other day, after making a Kiva loan via Facebook, I somehow got to a page that showed all my FB friends who had also made Kiva loans, and the countries where they'd loaned. I was thrilled to see this, and I went through the list, rapidly "liking" all of the posts to show my support for THEIR support for this organization.

Then, Facebook got mad.

I got a notice that I had "liked" too many things, too fast, and this was an abuse of the "like" button. I would be blocked for a period of time (they weren't saying how long).

Well, that was a surprise. But I figured it wouldn't be a problem.

As I went on through my news feed, I found it surprising how often I wanted to "like" something posted. Because I didn't want to take the time to comment. Really, how much time does a comment take on Facebook!? But "like" is a bit similar to leaving a blogstone, as we used to do: to show, "I am here, I am reading, I care."

I started leaving blogstones in comments, instead. To be sure, I kept forgetting, and clicking the "like" button, and being reminded of my transgression.

My banning didn't last a full day. I'm able to "like" posts once again.

It has me thinking, though, about how Facebook has contributed to the speeding up of our communications, and to the surface nature of much of them. We spend much more time (or at least I do) sorting through things I don't want to read (ugh, Upworthy) and looking for the meat of what I come to Facebook for.^* Facebook, for me, can be antithesis of mindfulness.

This comes to the front of my attention today thanks to a great blog post by Jess, who writes at A Diary of a Mom about her family and her life with her daughter Brooke, who has autism. Today's post is about the change in the Diary community from its blog-only days to the large Facebook presence it now commands...and the problems inherent in that shift.

Back in the days when RevGals knew each other only or mostly on blogs, we took care with our posts, crafting each one and the comments, too, to ensure we were (as much as possible) saying what we meant. We considered our audience. We felt keenly the presence of the community we were building, and (whether consciously or not) I think all of us wanted to protect it, though of course we had no idea where we were headed. There were certainly some bumps in the road during that time. New communities, and established ones too, make mistakes, go wrong directions, and hurt one another. But our corporate sense was rich and the relative scarcity of opportunities to interact with one another made that very precious. We were mindful.

I'm not saying, "throw out the Facebook with the bathwater." Or, "go back to only blogging!" That train has left the station.

But the dilemma of burgeoning social media is perhaps a little bit similar to the difference between the first century church and the thing we call "Church" today...completely unlike the original in character, size, and the chaotic choices surrounding it.

 It's so easy to dash off a comment or click "like" on FB without truly engaging with the item you're responding to. I do it just like everyone does. And then, sometimes, as with any electronic communication, misunderstandings of intent, voice and message happen, and they happen quickly.

I'm not saying I have an answer for this. Except, for me, at a time when I am trying to cultivate a sense of mindfulness (which means, try and fail, try and fail again), I need to approach Facebook differently too.

So. Hide and watch.

 __

 ^*Oh, and just so you know: I am devoted to Facebook and the good it brings. I love it. Also, I use it in my job so I am on it all day.

RevGals ReGroup

Yesterday and today I had the pleasure of participating in the first RevGals ReGroup.

Our director, Martha, came all the way to Texas to offer the continuing education event, sharing a tool for evaluating ministry. It reminded me of the Ignatian examen and, while my work is not in a church setting, is applicable to even me. It will be most useful. It is lovely.

We worshipped and sang and shared. We ate kolaches from The Czech Stop in West, TX, and laughed immoderately. I am grateful to be part of this organization and for the vision for new things in the future. 

And for Sarah's birthday today! 

Wednesday Festival: Photos I love

The new RevGalBlogPals site has a fabulous set of scrolling banner photos at the top.  I enjoy all of them, but there are two that I particularly love:

the first one is of RevGal Kelly W., whom I have only met once:

Something about the candles, the casual attire, and her posture as she says the words of invitation, rouse great awe in me. I feel as though I were there for this event.

My second favorite is a pheeto, and my foot is in it at 2:00:

I especially love this one, though I have been in many a pheeto over the years, because this was taken at the organizational meeting we held in Georgia. In...2006?  Before there were Big Events, or a non-profit, there were (I think) seven of us who met to dream and plan and talk, and here are some of our feet. We were standing next to a graveyard at a little country church. We represented a small group of bloggers, then. 

Just think how many feet there are now! Just think if we made a pheeto of everyone on the blog and the Facebook group, plus our Twitter followers. It'd be the biggest feet circle ever.

Onward, I say! Excelsior!

RevGals on God Complex Radio

Go over to God Complex Radio and hear about one of my great passions in life:  RevGalBlogPals! 

Click here for the link to GCR.

 

Friday Five: It is Well With My Soul

At RGBP, Kathrynzj sets the Friday Five.  She says:  We lead privileged lives.

True, some are more privileged than others but the fact that we are communicating right now via technological devices puts us in the privileged category.

There are many perks in my life for which I give thanks and then there are some that make everything right in the world during the moment I am enjoying them. I'm wondering what a few of those things - five to be specific - are for you.

To help you along here are just three of mine that I will write more about on my blog: drinking coffee out of a real mug, walking into my home after the domestic goddess has been there, participating in the RevGalBlogPals Big Events.

Thanks, friend, for this great start! 

1)  This very morning I got into the shower in my old and historic (but operationally funky) house, and I gave thanks that I have a shower to get into and warm-ish water to wash with...not hot, not today, but warmish...I was feeling so very privileged to have a place of privacy and comfort in which to get clean. 

2)  I have a job and education and skills.  Yesterday I was checking out at the Dollar General and a man came in asking for a job application.  The clerk told him that he'd have to go to the internet.  He said, "But I don't have any internet or computer, I used to play Pong on the Atari, that's all the computer skills I've got!"  She said she was sorry but that all their applications were online.  I interjected that the local library had computers and classes in how to use them and offered to look up information for him (on my Android Evo 4G Smart Phone, a whole separate wonder of technology) but he said, "no thanks" and rode off on his bicycle.  I think it sounded too hard and too complicated. 

3)  Music.  Right now I'm listening to George Winston on Youtube.  Pandora is another absolute favorite.  I have not been singing in church choir and I miss that, but one day I will get back.  In the meantime, music fills a place in my life that nothing else can.  

4)  I have a local library for which I have a consuming love.  I usually go by there on Friday afternoons and return books and pick up new ones.  I also get books on CD to keep me company during long car trips, and can download e-books onto my Sony E-Reader.  The latter is a great way to get new and popular books that are not easy to acquire in hard copy, due to their popularity.  They have children's areas with big cushions where kids can go and lounge to read...oh, that would have been my dream in my childhood library!  But I enjoy watching the kiddos use it now. 

5)  I have family and friends and a church family.  Will I say that all is perfect in every aspect of every relationship?  No.  I think that's part of how relationship works...sticking to it and digging through the icky bits if you can.  Some of my family are too far away...many of my friends are WAY too far away...and even my church and church friends are in another town.  I wish it could be that all the people I love could drop over for coffee, sweetrolls and fruit accompanied by NPR on a Saturday morning.  That I could run by my parents' house and "reboot" the laundry, then stop off later in the day and fold and put it away.  That I could stop in at the church to offer volunteer service.  But, it is what it is.  I am glad and grateful for what I have. 

Happy Birthday RevGalBlogPals!

I knit this as a bit of free knitting on BE1.  As I listened to the remendously honest, sometimes raw sharing that went on, amazed at the freedom I was feeling in the room, I knit the stories and tears into this.  Now it hangs on the back of my chair at work, reminding me that my RevGals have my back.  The colors in the original are ever so much brighter and lusher than what I am able to capture here.  Imagine the Caribbean Sea and sky... 

Running a little late with this meditation: I was travelling on the actual birthday and have been trying to get back into the swing of things since then. 

"Meanwhile, please use the comments to share a favorite memory or thought from the past five years, or leave a link if you blog about it..." said Songbird on Monday. 

As some others have written, I was in on that first conversation at St. Cass's place about t-shirts...at the very, very, very end.  I'd actually been lurking on the conversation for a few weeks (?), having got there via ReverendMommy.  I think I'd Googled "women in ministry" and that's how I found her and a few other folks, and watched the start of the conversation. 

Now, why was I googling "women in ministry"?  I work at a (public) university and always have!  I guess because it's been an abiding interest of mine.  I'm a woman in lay ministry, descended from generations of laity who "ran their churches."  I happen to believe, from those early examples, that the minister/priest/pastor does NOT run a congregation, and that indeed without the conviction and leadership of the lay person, the church is nothing. 

Funny, that, because I DO come from a tradition in which the priest must consecrate the elements for Eucharist.  Also there are sacraments which include a priest (but take place between God and the person: baptizee; couple marrying, etc.) 

BUT, despite what I saw at the altar (always men BTW), I was the little girl playing Communion when I had sleepovers, and I was always the officiant.  Not that I wanted to be the priest...I've never wanted that...but somehow I had a feeling that I wanted to be close to God in that way, and that God was just fine with it. 

So.  I digress. Finding RevGals and watching the energy of the community as it developed, and the joy that the members took in connecting with one another...the sense that we all desired deeper communication about what it means to be God's person within a church structure, and particularly as women...that just clicked for me. 

I've never felt less than fully included, and I am grateful for that.  I am grateful to have had the opportunity to serve a group that supports women in ministry...a passion of mine all my life...and mostly I am grateful to have made these amazing friends. 

I think for someone just coming in, it may seem daunting:  we have history, we have jokes, we've had our troubles and shared tragedies and joys.  But we welcome you.  We want to hear about your life and your process and your questions.  Commenting on the group blog posts, and also commenting on other members' blogs, are the way to get to know people.  It's a bit like going into a new church setting...you just have to show up until you are known.  I think and hope this group is good at being welcoming...as we all hope our churches are!  :) 

Being a RevGalBlogPal has meant the world to me.  I am grateful!!

Things my roomie should know about ME

Considering it only fair to fully disclose, after my roomie to be has done so, here I give you the above-titled THINGS:

• I don't think I snore (either)
• I love cruise sleeping, it's like being rocked.  I promise not to talk about it incessantly.
• My TENDENCY is to take over any room I inhabit, in short order, but will try to curb this!
• My toenails are OPI Strawberry Margarita! 
• I have not packed a single item nor even got out my suitcase yet. 
• OTOH, some of the crowd are worrying about packing too many shoes. 
• There are many gifts, but the same Spirit. 
• :)