Terrapin Station

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 16

The Sin of One Person

We have reflected on the original sin of Adam and Eve. Now we consider the effect of sin on one person—a person who chooses definitively against God. The person is the rich man in Jesus’ parable of the rich man and Lazarus. We imagine what it would be like for a person to be totally closed off from God’s love.

Use your imagination as you reflect on this parable. You may want to craft a parable of your own, replacing the rich man and Lazarus with modern-day counterparts based on the current century’s sad history of sin, violence, genocide, and injustice.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following grace: a healthy sense of shame and confusion before God as I consider the effects of sin in my life, my community, and my world.

Can I say that I think the health care system is an excellent portrait of the effects of sin in my world?  The over $400K that my insurance company paid out for K's treatment last year, and the over $6K we paid out of pocket...and

1) he is still not "fixed" and

2) WHAT IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT COVERAGE?

At this point I am angry and frustrated and also feel guilty for complaining.  We have had good care from (mostly) reasonably kind and sympathetic people.  However, this morning there was a new commercial on for Cancer Treatment Centers of America (you've seen their commercials), featuring the caregiver.  She (it was a wife) talked about how CTCA was so fabulous, and outlined their care protocols, and showed them interacting with various staff members. 

I turned to Ken and said, "Damn, it might have been worth it to go to Tulsa for your treatment (that's the closest CTCA to us) just to have one of the staff hug me at some point."  As they did in the commercial.  I'm kidding.  Kind of. 

Now let me say that the eefus in his throat that has rendered him miserable and almost unable to eat at all for the past two weeks seems to be lifting.  The steroid and antibiotic are working.  I'm grateful for modern medicine, really, I am. 

And I'm grouchy too. Lord, help my grouchiness.

 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 15

This week begins the first exercise:  "Most broadly, the First Week focuses on our experience of sin—personally, communally, and globally. Sin can be described in many ways: as a breakdown of a relationship with God and others; as a failure to love God, others, and self; as a turning away from God."

The Sin of Adam and Eve

Biblical scholarship has long held that the story of Adam and Eve in the book of Genesis is not history but a theological reflection by the people of Israel on the reality of good and evil. This story speaks a timeless truth known to all humanity: human beings, like the angels, enjoy the gift of freedom, yet we sometimes choose to abuse that freedom by trying to put ourselves at the center of creation and displacing God. This is the essence of original sin.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following grace: a healthy sense of shame and confusion before God as I consider the effects of sin in my life, my community, and my world.

Rats.  Power went off partway through my writing of this piece.  Construction across the hall in an old building makes things iffy. 

Earlier today I said to my counselor, "well, and that just goes back to my own pathology."  She called me up short and pointed out that 'pathology' was neither a kind nor useful word to use about myself.  (Neurosis, maybe?)  She was getting at the point that I am doing the best I can in the situation (Ken feeling so sick) and being mean to myself wasn't going to be of any help. 

So maybe "a healthy sense of shame and confusion" makes more sense.  ?  Because as I look at it, the core thing is forgetting (being unwilling) to remember to say, "HELP HELP, O HELP, I cannot do this alone and I am trying to and it is getting me nowhere but twisted up..."

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 12

Look to Tomorrow

The Examen ends with a look at the day to come. Just as God is with you today, God will be with you as you sleep and when you wake up tomorrow. Invite God to be a part of your future. What do you need God’s help with? Be very practical and specific. If it’s helpful, look at your schedule for tomorrow. God wants to be there with you, in the most dramatic and mundane moments of your life. Ask God to give you the grace you need—for example, courage, confidence, wisdom, patience, determination, or peace. Or perhaps there is someone you would like to pray for by name.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following graces: wonder at God’s ongoing creation; gratitude for the gift of God creating me and creating the world.

Read

Read Luke 11:1–13.
Invite God to be a part of your future. What do you need God’s help with?

This was a hard weekend.  Mostly because nothing happened except that K was sick in bed and felt miserable.  I coaxed him out once to sit on the porch steps in the sun...that was it.  The dr. he saw last week said he probably either has staph or strep.  Whatever it is, causes him to feel like flu, achy all over, and a bad throat. 

I need God's help with not being in control of this, because clearly I am NOT in control of this.  Or else I would have fixed it.

God, help.  I need help. 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 11

Rejoice and Seek Forgiveness

The fourth step of the Examen is reflecting on what you can do better.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following graces: wonder at God’s ongoing creation; gratitude for the gift of God creating me and creating the world.

Closeness to God

Rejoice in those times that you were brought closer to God, and ask forgiveness for those times today when you resisted God’s presence in your life. Praise God for the grace of awareness given to you during this time of prayer, even if you became aware of things you are not proud of. This awareness is the beginning of healing and conversion.

Read

Read Psalm 51 (a psalm of contrition).
Pray the psalm slowly in a spirit of confidence.

Today I had a little nutty.  Actually, a big one.  I got very defensive and angry about something that turned out to be something completely different...and now am left wondering why I reacted that way.  Clearly, there's something to learn there. 

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
   and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

That's all very vague and I can't say more than that, so sorry for the uninspiring post.  But do trust that I am over here wondering at how quickly I can be catapulted away from a pure heart and a steadfast spirit into a frustrated, scared place. 

 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 10

These are the five steps of the Examen:

1. Pray for God’s help.
2. Give thanks for the gifts of this day.
3. Pray over significant feelings.
4. Rejoice and seek forgiveness.
5. Look to tomorrow.

Pray over Significant Feelings

In the third step of the Examen we look at our feelings. Ignatius believed that God communicates with us not only through mental insight but also through our “interior movements,” as he called them: our feelings, emotions, desires, attractions, repulsions, and moods. Feelings are neither positive nor negative: it is what you do with them that raises moral questions.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following graces: wonder at God’s ongoing creation; gratitude for the gift of God creating me and creating the world.

Aggravated as crap.  That's how I felt, partly, today.  There were several little things that came across like digs or slaps, and for some reason I was very ready to take them as such.  Paranoid much?  I found myself wishing there were something to eat in my office (yeah, that'd fix it!). 

Grateful for having started this exercise in the morning, and thus the reminder that I can step back and look at these feelings later in the day. 

Grateful for the resulting awareness, and the plan I've made to take the dogs for a walk once I get home. 

Grateful for the sunshine today, after a grey few days.  I put a prism in my window several days ago, and the rainbows are showing up around the room as the sun moves.  It's a delight.

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 8

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help

This week's work is on the Ignatian Examen. 

These are the five steps of the Examen:

1. Pray for God’s help.
2. Give thanks for the gifts of this day.
3. Pray over significant feelings.
4. Rejoice and seek forgiveness.
5. Look to tomorrow.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following graces: wonder at God’s ongoing creation; gratitude for the gift of God creating me and creating the world.

Read Psalm 121.
Pray the psalm slowly. Open your heart to God. Consider: What is God like? How can God help me?

God is soaring.  God is like the mountains.  God is unchanging.  The words of the psalm resound for me in so many ways...the first lines, from a poster I had on my wall as a teenager; the sixth verse, from the King James:  "The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night" gives the title to one of Madeleine L'Engle's best books (The Moon by Night). 

I think the thing that grasps me most here is vs 7-8:  "The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul/The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even forevermore." 

HE SHALL PRESERVE THY SOUL.  God doesn't promise that we won't be hurt, or broken hearted, or even killed.  But God will preserve our souls. 

That is a big promise, and yet not exactly what I want.  I would prefer that 'preserving me from all evil'  mean ... that!  I don't want it to include cancer, or worries over aging parents, or the world in a hell of a mess.  But God is not magic, and God does not promise all roses. 

My family's dealings with cancer treatment over the past year have been our hardest thing, so far. 

My friend Robin wrote a few days ago about how having treatment for breast cancer recently has been difficult for her, not so much because of that situation and the things that surround it, but because most in the breast cancer community are, with their diagnosis, facing the hardest battle in their lives.  And Robin is and was not, because Robin's precious son Josh died by suicide in 2008. And breast cancer cannot approach that. 

I pray for God's help for Robin and others who are facing their hardest thing ever, that they will know that their souls will be preserved. 

And for all of us, walking in our paths singing songs of ascent...that we may take comfort in the knowledge that, no matter what, happens, we will never be left alone.  No matter how alone we may feel.  "The LORD is thy keeper; the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand."

 

 

 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 5

The grace we seek is indifference. In Ignatian vocabulary, this term does not mean an unfeeling lack of concern. Instead, indifference means that we hold all of God’s gifts reverently, gratefully, but also lightly, embracing them or letting them go, all depending on how they help us fulfill our vocation to love in everyday, concrete details.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following graces: a deepening awareness of my fundamental vocation to praise, love, and serve God and others; a desire for greater indifference in my life; a willingness to embrace who I am before our loving God.

Last night I read Still by Lauren Winner, in one big gulp.  I'm sure I'll be going back to it.  But right now I 'm thinking about how our fundamental vocation is to praise, love, and serve God.  What Lauren found, in the end, was that if she put her butt in the chair, she started to "get it" again...the connection, the meaning, the purpose.  So even if we don't feel like praising, loving, and serving, if we put ourselves in the place where that is happening, it's likely to stir in us again. 

A good word for me.   I have gotten out of the habit of regular worship and of participating in church events during the week while Ken's been sick.  It's time to look at getting my butt back in those chairs. 

And indifference?  Still working on letting go of some big, old things.