Terrapin Station

The Days of Awe - Ten Questions

As the year begins to slow and turn in on itself, winter approaching, I wonder: where have I been? 

Then, I get another email from 10Q: The vault is opening!

Do You 10Q? is a site I've joined for three years now to reflect on the year past and look ahead. It's based on the reflective practices of the High Holy Days of the Jewish year. 

You have ten days to answer one question each day about the year past and the one to come. At the end of the questions, at Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), you have time to reflect on your answers and save them. At the end of that time, as they say, "the vault closes." Perhaps you don't think about this again until you get an email in the fall of next year, and you can review your answers from past years and reflect anew. There's no cost and I commend it to you. 

Also recommended, a book I learned about from my dear friend Fran Rossi Szpylczyn and am reading for the first time this year: This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared: The Days of Awe as a Journey of Transformation by Rabbi Alan Lew. 

As I continue to walk out of the place where my Dad died in March, and live in the liminal place where my Mom is, it's good to stop and be still, to spread the flotsam of days away and think of the time to come. What will the year bring? Who will I be? How will I change, and how do I want to improve?

May your year be sweet, friends. 

Easter

  Headed to church in a pouring rain this morning.  Sang two services with brass quartet.  Beautiful. 

Easter Egg hunt postponed.  Children very cute in Easter clothes.

If I never hear "Hail Thee, Festival Day," again it'll be too soon. 

Especially since I always want to sing it, "Hail Thee, Vegetable Tray."

Up from three hour nap.  Dogs clearly had a little Easter romp in something icky and are now spoiling for a bath. 

I leave for Arizona in just three days!

Happy Easter!

Easter Day

Easter flowers for you.  Notice that they are NOT lilies. 

A beautiful Easter morning, two services and my voice held up with lots of water and throat drops.  The kiddos were so cute at the egg hunt.  Many wonderful hats!

We came home and Ken and I cleaned up the back yard; well, we started it...it's a big job.  Now Boudreaux is lying on my shoulders and Josie on my lap and we are resting a bit while I check blogs.

Hope you all had a glorious Easter! 

He Is Risen!

Just come from Easter Vigil...a glorious time. 

We started in darkness; the new flame was kindled and the Paschal candle lit and blessed. 

Looking down on the congregation with their lit candles: what a wave of love and gratitude for every single one.

Some lights come on.  The Old Testament readings.  The Baptism of a charming and wiggly young man (probably 18 months old?) and then ALL the lights come up, and the Christus Rex is there and illuminated; it has been hidden from our sight for 40 long days. 

Hallelujah Chorus, a soprano duet, gloriousness. 

Eucharist brought to the loft by my favorite subdeacon; that means so much.

Widor's Toccata to close. 

+++

This has been a tough Lent, but things are looking up.  And the service sees me in a good place...this is unlike the last two years, where Lent was ok but Easter, not so much.  I am grateful to have been through those times to fully appreciate the beauty this year.

I am grateful to have been to the doctor and gotten THE MIRACLE SHOT ... I feel 150% better than yesterday!  I am conserving my voice because throat is still very sore. 

I don't really feel grateful to have been sick, but it's a good lesson in listening to my body:  when I enter a location that has such a strong odor that my sinuses start to scream, I need to get out of there. 

Blessings on your Easter Days!

Good Friday Flu

Yep, it seems that I have the flu.  By mid morning my ears hurt too much to listen to music or tolerate the phone ringing.  The sore throat and body aches grew steadily worse.  But the clincher was when my eyes started to hurt to move.

I have missed church, and all there will thank me. 

I have Oscillinium, I have Dr. Christopher's Super Garlic Immune formula, I have Mucinex, I have Jell-o and diet soda and water. 

I also have a husband with a migraine. 

We are a pitiful pair.  Pray for us, if you would. 

And aren't I glad I'm not a Rev person?  The choir can live without me (though my dear director would insist not). 

Gotta get WELL, the RGBE draws nigh!

Blessed Triduum to you all.

Low Sunday

Don't tell anyone....but....

I'm going to R-U-N-N-O-F-T (any Brother Where Art Thou? fans out there?) this Sunday

to Scarborough Faire, the Renaissance Festival in my neck o' the woods.

But, but!  I am going to CHURCH there!  They are having a Mass from the 1549 Anglican Prayer Book.  They will "begin with a Solemn Procession, chanting the Great Litany and Suffrages as they move through the Faire."

I wonder whether we shall be able to understand anything that is said, and WHAT text will be chosen!  I have read the Preacher Party Posts with anticipation.  Ye Olde Doubting Thomass, anyone?

I shall report back on my blog hereafter.  With photos, I hope. 

Easter; or, Hey! Are You Laughing At Me, Jesus?

Don't you hate it when a blog you read regularly, goes on radio silence for no apparent reason? 

I get kind of twitchy when the folks in my "Blogs I Read Every Day" list do it.  Like, one of them hasn't posted since mid-Holy Week!  Aaagh!  is she okay!?

Um, and just realized that I haven't done so since Good Friday, myself.  Which leaves me (figuratively, blogwise) sitting at the foot of the cross.  But I am not there, I am so happy to say!  I have risen with Christ, Alleluia!

Holy Week was very emotional this year (as previously noted).  Easter Morning I arrived at church during the early service and slipped into the choir loft - a sweet man said to me, "Are you okay?  you don't look so good!"  :)  WELL, THANK YA!  But as I told him, it seems WAY TOO BI-POLAR to go from Good Friday to Easter in just a few days.  (and having lived with bi-polar persons, I mean that in the realest and most loving sense...)

And isn't that just the whole point!? And wasn't that just the way it was for Mary and Joanna and Mary Magdalene?  Except 1000 times worse?

So I took the regular journey, and then there were the little interior mini-melodramas...

Thursday night at church, someone did something that I considered to be thoughtless and inappropriate.  I was quite upset, but also certain that the person didn't in any way mean to distract or offend me or anyone else.

Saturday afternoon there was what Ms. Grace calls a "kerfuffle" with a group I love a lot.  I went through the feelings about it, put on my big girl panties, and headed to church for the Saturday night Great Vigil service....

...and I arrived to find the Thursday night person setting up to do the SAME THING AS BEFORE.  During the Service.  And I, Super Conflict Avoider Woman, approached her quietly and (I think) lovingly, and said, "Are you planning to do X?  Please don't do that.  It was very distracting on Thursday.  If you need to do it, could you do it a different  way?  From over there?"  etc.  She was clearly not happy (OH NO!  OH NO!  UNHAPPINESS!) but she didn't punch me in the eye (a bonus for my Disagreement-Facing 101 seminar lesson). 

I guess regular people would be able to leave it at that, but not me...it was sticky. 

As the service began (first in darkness with the new flame, hand candles, then in dimness) the monsters in my head sort of took over (this is NOT what is supposed to happen in church!) and I mentally went through a nice little monologue like this: 

"I can't believe she was going to do that again!

No one at this church appreciates me!  And I cannot stay where I am not APPRECIATED!

I'm just going to LEAVE!" 

Okay, it was a little longer and more complicated than that, but that was the gist of it.  The red miasma that fills my brain in such times was very thick. 

And as my mind snorted and shouted and snuffled and pouted, I looked straight ahead from the choir loft to the front wall of the church, where the gorgeous Christus Rex hangs.  All through Lent, it is covered with an enormous curtain, and an icon-style crucifix hangs in front of it:

(This is the icon crucifix)

but now, for the first time in weeks, He was there, He was alive, and He was looking straight at me.  And smiling.                                                

(Here's the Christus, seen from the back of the church, just above the font.  I need to get a better picture of His face!)

And I thought, Oh wait a minute!  I'm not here about being appreciated, or how other people behave, or any of that stuff.  I'm here for Him! 

And then, looking at the Christus, I thought maybe He was actually laughing a little...very lovingly, of course...and a great peace and joy were suddenly available to me.  It was one of those liminal experiences...I don't know how long it lasted, but we were getting to the Baptism by the time I was able to be mentally available to the service again.   (They had gotten along just fine without me!) 

The Baptismal Font is just under the choir loft, so most of the choir stands at the rail and sort of hangs over to watch.  Three beautiful baby girls were sealed by the Holy Spirit in Baptism, and marked as Christ's own forever.  After Baptism, the lights were all brought completely up, the candles lit, we celebrated the Eucharist. 

Christ has died

Christ is risen

Christ will come again

Alleluia!

Thanks be to God!

Good Friday

Good Friday service last night.  The choir did not sing, so I got to sit in the pew and BE instead of DOING.  I like that so much sometimes.

Fr. David preached a wonderful sermon - pointing out that the Gospel of Luke (from Palm Sunday) indicates (in a politically correct vein) that Pilate offered to release Jesus, but "the voices of the crowd prevailed."  He reminded us how difficult it is to listen to the right voice, instead of the prevailing voice. 

The service is very solemn.  The altar, still with its black drape.  The side altar where the reserved Sacrament is usually kept...the little door is wide open.  It is empty.  He is gone. 

Some churches have communion from reserved Sacrament on this day, but we do not. 

We pray for the church, the nation, the world; we sing "Were You There When They Crucified My Lord?" and "Sing, My Tongue, the Glorious Battle." 

A large wooden cross (taller than me) with three railroad spikes driven into it is carried to the front of the church and placed in a stand.  The people who wish to, come forward to kneel before the cross and "venerate" it - touch it, kiss it, lay on it the troubles and sins and fears they carry.

I kneel before the cross and the waterworks in my eyes turn on. 

We leave in silence.

Holy Saturday, today...there is a very brief service in the prayer book, not usually celebrated at our church.  I read it alone. 

Tonight, we celebrate the Great Vigil of Easter - lilies, A-words, kindling the new flame, Exultet, Paschal candle, and three baptisms! 

I am very tired and sore.  I am a little frustrated that this transition from death into life is so hard for me.  But I don't think it is actually supposed to be easy.   

STOMP

Maundy Thursday service tonight stomped me in a way I don't remember being stomped for many, many years...

When I was about 8 years old, one time during Holy Week, my little sister and I watched Ben Hur.  I don't know why our parents weren't there to run interference or explain (maybe they were there?) or why an 8 and 6 year old even chose to watch that.  Of course, this was back when you had a max of 3 channel choices.

Anyway, I know the part in the movie about the people with leprosy was very scary for Nancy and me and we worried after that for a long time about getting "lepreus." 

But the end of the movie, when Christ is crucified, brought the meaning of that concept home to me in a way that had never been so before.  I went to my room and cried and cried, and I told Jesus, "I'm sorry!  I'm so sorry!"

Tonight...we sang three movements from the Rutter Requiem.  After the sweet and lovely foot washing and the Eucharist (with REAL BREAD, thank you!), the church is darkened, reserved Sacrament is "translated" into the chapel for overnight Vigil, and the procession which has left with the Sacrament in the monstrance returns, all in black cassocks.  They silently strip the altar, wash it down with water and wine (as a body would be cleansed) and leave.  Music is made during this time, after which all are to leave in silence.  People take turns coming to the chapel to sit Vigil for an hour or more (I return at 5 am). 

So we sang "The Lord is My Shepherd" and the "Agnus Dei," both exceptionally powerful pieces of music.    As I've mentioned, there have been pretty profound changes in my singing through my breath and body work and voice lessons, and the emotion of this music-making was present for me as no musical experience ever has been before.

Then, the visual imagery of the altar stripping going on below...

afterward I had to go find a quiet place to really cry.  I went back into the choir loft of the church and saw two Altar Guild members quietly draping a long black cloth over the empty wooden altar.  It was as if I were seeing the women disciples of Jesus anointing His body after everyone else had run away. 

As I left, one of them apologized to me! thinking she had interrupted my prayers.  She said, "I don't like to do that when people are still in there."  I tried to convey how meaningful it had actually been, but I don't think I was making much sense. 

Jesus, I'm so sorry.  For everything.  I love you. 

Anointing

Holy Week continues...

Over at RevGals, instead of the regular Wednesday Festival, I posted a Holy Week meditation.  According to tradition, today is the day when the woman from Bethany anointed Jesus with the expensive oil, incurring the wrath of the disciples and occasioning Jesus' words: 

"Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." (Matt 26:6-13)

I suggested that we might take the time for some radical self-care, anointing of a sort.

In my own life, this has played out in an interesting way this week! 

I have done something (or rather, I neglected to do it) which has caused harm to another, and which has caused me to have to ask and earn forgiveness.  I am terribly grieved and angry with myself, and also in some physical pain (headache, neckache, the aftereffects of crying...)  My misdeed is not important here; but the fact that I am determined to forgive MYSELF...is. 

I am working.  I am attending choir rehearsals.  I am breathing and praying and listening to music that lifts me up.  I will get my walking in this evening.  I am not eating inappropriately, hiding for hours in the blogosphere, nor hiding in bed. 

I covet your prayers, and you all are in mine.