Terrapin Station

The Days of Awe - Ten Questions

As the year begins to slow and turn in on itself, winter approaching, I wonder: where have I been? 

Then, I get another email from 10Q: The vault is opening!

Do You 10Q? is a site I've joined for three years now to reflect on the year past and look ahead. It's based on the reflective practices of the High Holy Days of the Jewish year. 

You have ten days to answer one question each day about the year past and the one to come. At the end of the questions, at Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), you have time to reflect on your answers and save them. At the end of that time, as they say, "the vault closes." Perhaps you don't think about this again until you get an email in the fall of next year, and you can review your answers from past years and reflect anew. There's no cost and I commend it to you. 

Also recommended, a book I learned about from my dear friend Fran Rossi Szpylczyn and am reading for the first time this year: This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared: The Days of Awe as a Journey of Transformation by Rabbi Alan Lew. 

As I continue to walk out of the place where my Dad died in March, and live in the liminal place where my Mom is, it's good to stop and be still, to spread the flotsam of days away and think of the time to come. What will the year bring? Who will I be? How will I change, and how do I want to improve?

May your year be sweet, friends. 

The next part

Yesterday I saw my counselor. She asked how I was, and I said, "I'm good." "I can tell, she said," your energy is totally different today."

I've been dragging in there. I've been dragging everywhere. I've been getting out of bed, no problem, but having a real problem STAYING out of it. Daily naps, some of which lasted all day and none of which interfered with a full night's sleep. It's been like that. 

This past weekend I had a "first" - went to visit Mom for the first time since Dad died and we had his funeral. It was "the new normal." Instead of being with both of them, it was about her. Instead of staying at his apartment, I stayed at my sister's home (she is out of town right now). (I missed seeing my sister but her lovely home was beautifully peaceful.)

On the way there I had a little pity party when I considered that, not only would Daddy not be there, but his home would not, either; and in a way, I no longer have a home -  the home that my parents have always made for me for my whole life. No matter where they lived, their house was home in a way. I could walk in there and kick off my shoes, and be listened to with an attention that I will find no where else in life. 

(Of course, I have a beautiful and historic house as my home for 18 years now, and a husband I adore. It's not the same thing.) 

(Of course, I have my Mom and her room in the nursing home. My heart is there. But it's also not the same thing.)

How lucky am I to get to be 54 years old before this particular grief comes my way? 

I still feel in some ways that I'm swimming through quicksand. As a 9 on the Enneagram, I get stuck easily and stasis is a very easy spot for me to rest in. So I'm working on some decluttering in a purposeful way, and the more productive doing I accomplish, the better it gets. 

More news at 9. 

 

Looking back, looking forward

It's an anniversary kind of time. 

Yesterday was the 18th anniversary of my marriage to Ken Pritchett. I am still rather amazed that two such different people do so well together. We have worked for a long time on making things work as we have changed over the years. 

It was also the 1st anniversary of my retirement from the State of Texas. It's been a very stretching year, as I have learned what the work for STRIPES Parking Lot Service entails. I learn new things all. the. time. Working with my spouse is another learning curve, as is being away from the university setting which I had loved since 1983. 

Looking back on the past year, I've been spending a lot of time thinking of my parents in San Angelo and a good bit of time going there, being there, coming back. It's 270 miles each way. Their health has deteriorated in the past year, which is reasonable, given that they are 85 and 81. My retirement's biggest gift has really been in this area of my life. I am able to go urgently or regularly. I am able to spend time with them for dire matters and quotidian ones. And, I continue to work for STRIPES while I do it. I carry the company cell phone, equipped with a call recorder, and my laptop. Calls that come in while I'm on the road or busy are easily handled once I'm settled for the night. 

The daily work of STRIPES is very busy, but loose. I can run errands as needed. Yoga and personal appointments have priority and I work around them. I haven't kept a calendar since about last October. I started one in retirement, but I just didn't need it and quit. 

However: There has always been the plan that sometime this summer I would start keeping my 3-year-old granddaughter a couple of days a week. (and you need to see a picture of her, I know: 

Well, the day is coming! On June 12 we will begin our time together. And somehow, as that time drew near, I started to feel unmoored and a little panicked. So I went to Time and Date and printed out some nifty free calendar pages and filled them in. From June through December of this year. 

Of course - none of us know what will happen in the 7 months ahead! But I needed desperately to feel a modicum of control over some area of life. Because there are so many areas that feel wildly out of control - all of the above, and the larger world, too. 

I'm glad to look at the calendar and see some "just for me" things scheduled this month. Camping with Spooky Rach and Co., the Episcopal Women's Caucus meeting, and learning to quilt (with a group of friends to keep me accountable) will help. I continue to visit my Hospice patients, and I see my Enneagram-wise spiritual director monthly. 

I'm trying to do some writing every day, prelude to an evening Examen. I think that, along with the calendar, will help me stay in the road. Keep me attentive to productive doing. 

How are things going for you?