Terrapin Station

Body dysmorphia

As someone with eating disorders, I've never really comprehended the true contours of my body. It's complicated. But overall, I generally tend to feel that I am super overweight, no matter how true that is, or is not. 

So here's the crazy thing. 

Yesterday, I took Nash to the local pool. First time there for both of us. She has seen me in a swimsuit many times, because we like to use the hot tub at my house together. So, I got over that "not wanting to be seen in a swimsuit" with her, a long time ago. It is what it is. She needs to see lots of women's bodies, lots of shapes and sizes. (That's how I talked myself into it.) 

We walked into that pool and I shed my covering shorts and shirt, and not once did I feel self-conscious, ashamed, etc. I didn't realize it until we'd been there a while. I just hadn't thought about it. When I did...I looked around. There were women there of all shapes and sizes. I was not the largest or the smallest. It was not about me. 

We had a BIG time! Playing with a kid in a swimming pool is definitely a workout! She went from being afraid of the little slide - to climbing up it and then climbing back down - to sliding down for me to catch her - and finally declaring, "You don't catch me this time!" and sliding on her own. (She had on a life jacket.) 

What a huge step! What a growing up! What a sense of freedom!!

And I feel like I took a big step, too. 

Is it just living into my age? Is it that I was entirely focused on her and NOT on me? I don't know. But we're gonna go back to the pool some more! 

Wanna come?

How can you pray at a time like this?

I don't know about you, but I'm finding it hard to pray these days. I'm so angry over so much that's happening in the world.

A few weeks ago, a clergy friend was posting on Facebook about her despair, and someone replied with the text of Psalm 37. And every day, I pray that psalm. And it is helping me. (Please note that I'm not sure I'm "the righteous." But it's helping me to hear that, whoever they are, God will not abandon them.)

(ps: do read to the end)

Psalm 37: Exhortation to Patience and Trust (NRSV)

Of David.

¹ Do not fret because of the wicked;
    do not be envious of wrongdoers,
² for they will soon fade like the grass,
    and wither like the green herb.

³ Trust in the Lord, and do good;
    so you will live in the land, and enjoy security.
⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him, and he will act.
⁶ He will make your vindication shine like the light,
    and the justice of your cause like the noonday.

⁷ Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him;
    do not fret over those who prosper in their way,
    over those who carry out evil devices.

⁸ Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath.
    Do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For the wicked shall be cut off,
    but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

¹⁰ Yet a little while, and the wicked will be no more;
    though you look diligently for their place, they will not be there.
¹¹ But the meek shall inherit the land,
    and delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

¹² The wicked plot against the righteous,
    and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
    for he sees that their day is coming.

¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
    to bring down the poor and needy,
    to kill those who walk uprightly;
¹⁵ their sword shall enter their own heart,
    and their bows shall be broken.

¹⁶ Better is a little that the righteous person has
    than the abundance of many wicked.
¹⁷ For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
    but the Lord upholds the righteous.

¹⁸ The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
    and their heritage will abide forever;
¹⁹ they are not put to shame in evil times,
    in the days of famine they have abundance.

²⁰ But the wicked perish,
    and the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
    they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

²¹ The wicked borrow, and do not pay back,
    but the righteous are generous and keep giving;
²² for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,
    but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

²³ Our steps are made firm by the Lord,
    when he delights in our way;
²⁴ though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong,
    for the Lord holds us by the hand.

²⁵ I have been young, and now am old,
    yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
    or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are ever giving liberally and lending,
    and their children become a blessing.

²⁷ Depart from evil, and do good;
    so you shall abide forever.
²⁸ For the Lord loves justice;
    he will not forsake his faithful ones.

The righteous shall be kept safe forever,
    but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
²⁹ The righteous shall inherit the land,
    and live in it forever.

³⁰ The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
    and their tongues speak justice.
³¹ The law of their God is in their hearts;
    their steps do not slip.

³² The wicked watch for the righteous,
    and seek to kill them.
³³ The Lord will not abandon them to their power,
    or let them be condemned when they are brought to trial.

³⁴ Wait for the Lord, and keep to his way,
    and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
    you will look on the destruction of the wicked.

³⁵ I have seen the wicked oppressing,
    and towering like a cedar of Lebanon.
³⁶ Again I passed by, and they were no more;
    though I sought them, they could not be found.

³⁷ Mark the blameless, and behold the upright,
    for there is posterity for the peaceable.
³⁸ But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
    the posterity of the wicked shall be cut off.

³⁹ The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
    he is their refuge in the time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The Lord helps them and rescues them;
    he rescues them from the wicked, and saves them,
    because they take refuge in him.

 If this doesn't work for you, try The Message version: 

Psalm 37 The Message (MSG)

A David Psalm

37 ^1-2 Don’t bother your head with braggarts
    or wish you could succeed like the wicked.
In no time they’ll shrivel like grass clippings
    and wilt like cut flowers in the sun.

^3-4 Get insurance with God and do a good deed,
    settle down and stick to your last.
Keep company with God,
    get in on the best.

^5-6 Open up before God, keep nothing back;
    he’ll do whatever needs to be done:
He’ll validate your life in the clear light of day
    and stamp you with approval at high noon.

⁷ Quiet down before God,
    be prayerful before him.
Don’t bother with those who climb the ladder,
    who elbow their way to the top.

^8-9 Bridle your anger, trash your wrath,
    cool your pipes—it only makes things worse.
Before long the crooks will be bankrupt;
    God-investors will soon own the store.

^10-11 Before you know it, the wicked will have had it;
    you’ll stare at his once famous place and—nothing!
Down-to-earth people will move in and take over,
    relishing a huge bonanza.

^12-13 Bad guys have it in for the good guys,
    obsessed with doing them in.
But God isn’t losing any sleep; to him
    they’re a joke with no punch line.

^14-15 Bullies brandish their swords,
    pull back on their bows with a flourish.
They’re out to beat up on the harmless,
    or mug that nice man out walking his dog.
A banana peel lands them flat on their faces—
    slapstick figures in a moral circus.

^16-17 Less is more and more is less.
    One righteous will outclass fifty wicked,
For the wicked are moral weaklings
    but the righteous are God-strong.

^18-19 God keeps track of the decent folk;
    what they do won’t soon be forgotten.
In hard times, they’ll hold their heads high;
    when the shelves are bare, they’ll be full.

²⁰ God-despisers have had it;
    God’s enemies are finished—
Stripped bare like vineyards at harvest time,
    vanished like smoke in thin air.

^21-22 Wicked borrows and never returns;
    Righteous gives and gives.
Generous gets it all in the end;
    Stingy is cut off at the pass.

^23-24 Stalwart walks in step with God;
    his path blazed by God, he’s happy.
If he stumbles, he’s not down for long;
    God has a grip on his hand.

^25-26 I once was young, now I’m a graybeard—
    not once have I seen an abandoned believer,
    or his kids out roaming the streets.
Every day he’s out giving and lending,
    his children making him proud.

^27-28 Turn your back on evil,
    work for the good and don’t quit.
God loves this kind of thing,
    never turns away from his friends.

^28-29 Live this way and you’ve got it made,
    but bad eggs will be tossed out.
The good get planted on good land
    and put down healthy roots.

^30-31 Righteous chews on wisdom like a dog on a bone,
rolls virtue around on his tongue.
His heart pumps God’s Word like blood through his veins;
    his feet are as sure as a cat’s.

^32-33 Wicked sets a watch for Righteous,
he’s out for the kill.
God, alert, is also on watch—
    Wicked won’t hurt a hair of his head.

³⁴ Wait passionately for God,
don’t leave the path.
He’ll give you your place in the sun
    while you watch the wicked lose it.

^35-36 I saw Wicked bloated like a toad,
croaking pretentious nonsense.
The next time I looked there was nothing—
    a punctured bladder, vapid and limp.

^37-38 Keep your eye on the healthy soul,
scrutinize the straight life;
There’s a future
    in strenuous wholeness.
But the willful will soon be discarded;
    insolent souls are on a dead-end street.

^39-40 The spacious, free life is from God,
it’s also protected and safe.
God-strengthened, we’re delivered from evil—
    when we run to him, he saves us.

Baptismal Anniversary

 

This past Sunday, at the time for birthday and anniversary blessings, I went forward to have a blessing for the anniversary of my baptism. 

Afterward, several people told me that they had no idea of the date of their baptism! I know my date because there's a story behind it (and it's written in my Book of Common Prayer, too.) 

My parents were married on June 14, 1964, in Tallahassee. Though they were both cradle Episcopalians, they were both also divorced. Their divorces happened before they met, but still, despite appeals, the bishop would not allow them to marry in the Episcopal Church. So, they were married in a Methodist church. (So, this day is also their 54th anniversary! Hooray!)

One year later, on their first wedding anniversary, I was baptized. At the same service, their marriage was blessed by The Episcopal Church. 

I have thoughts about the unfairness/silliness of those practices from 53 years ago. But the point of this post is, the anniversary of my Holy Baptism is important to me. On that day I formally became a member of the household of God, of that particular flavor. My godparents were two aunts and an uncle: Emily and Oliver Osborn, and Lou Butler. 

I don't believe baptism is magic. I believe it's important. 

Do you know the date you were baptized? You can call the church and ask...