Terrapin Station

My Emenies

I don't like to think of myself as someone who has enemies.  In my current life and work, I don't have any ... of whom I am aware, at least.  

But in my prior job, there were a few people who I, at various times, described as my Bêtes noire.  My Black Beasts, my bugbears, the people who sent me home angry, frothing at the mouth, clenched and aggravated and sometimes crying. 

I believe that the difficulties I had with these people were due to the fact that I got in the way of what they wanted to do, or the way they wanted to do it.  Surely we both had reasons for our choices, ones that we considered good. Two sides to every story, tra la. 

One of those people died recently after a brief, serious illness.  He was an older person, so it didn't come as a huge shock.  But I was shocked.  I felt vaguely guilty.  Because, the truth be told, I hated him at times.  Not that I think I am powerful enough to make people sick with my displeasure.  But I didn't always send him love and acceptance of him as he was, and all that nice stuff.  I sent him some bad juju at times. 

Earlier today, a document came across my desk from one of the others.  I was surprised at the visceral, physical reaction I had.  "Augh!  Not that person!!!!"  My stomach clenched, I had to breathe deeply.  I had to set it down.  I had to come start drafting this so I would not forget. 

I don't want this kind of reaction in my life.  I've worked hard on other memories, buried and not, so that certain stressful or traumatic situations or triggers don't have to cause me to respond the way I've always responded.  I can sit in the room with arguments now, without getting upset and without feeling the need to fix it.  I can say "no" with some success, in some situations.  I can say, "I'm disappointed that X happened, and I would like it to be like Y in the future."  And I don't have to feel like I am in charge of the health, success, and happiness of the world. At least not on a daily basis. 

I don't want my bad feelings to make me ill.  Nor do I want those bad feelings to emerge from me toward others.  I believe that's akin to a sort of anti-praying. 

So, I have work to do with my feelings about these people, and the two others.  And it will include thinking of them, breathing, working out the places in my body where my anxious and angry reactions come from, and also praying for the best for them.  So that if I see them on the street, I don't have to fight to keep from turning the other way.  So that I can "love them, bless them, and release them to their own indwelling power of the Spirit." 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 30

The Spiritual Exercises ask us to look at Christ and what he stands for. We’re instructed to imagine him as a good king who brings his forces against the evil king. In today’s world, especially here in the West, we don’t think much in terms of kings and kingdoms. So this imagery can be difficult to integrate with our prayer.

But we can approach it this way. As we observe Jesus in the Gospel accounts, we can learn what was important to him. We can see the desires that drove him—desire to see people healed, whole, and free from the evil pressing in from all around, desire that people be fed, clothed, accepted into the community, loved.

Is this what you desire? Look with clear eyes at Jesus, at what he did in the Gospel accounts, what he said, what he taught. What were his priorities? What were his passions as he dealt with people day in and day out? Does the “kingdom” he brought into reality match in any way the reality you desire for your life and for the larger world?

In other words, is the kingdom of God worth your desire? Do your truest impulses take you toward that kind of reality?

These are not rhetorical questions. Jesus wanted people to consider quite soberly what he stood for and what following him would require—yet another reason for you and me to be in touch with our real desires. Otherwise, we might be saying that we want to follow Jesus when in reality our hearts really aren’t there, at least not yet.

What world did Jesus envision and work toward with his every word and act?

What world do you envision? What “kingdom” are you willing to work toward with everything you have?

This image works much better for me than the imagery of a king that I want to follow with all my heart, which was the first suggestion.  Having no personal understanding of a political ruler-king, and feeling very disillusioned with all politicians at this point, that took me nowhere. 

This one has taken me on a roller coaster ride! 

What did Jesus want?  What did Jesus work for?

He wanted everyone to have oppportunities to know community and to be clothed, loved, forgiven and healed.  He didn't go to an office or write magazine articles about something else. 

What Jesus worked for is nothing like what I work for 40 hours a week, as far as I can tell.   And that is sobering and heartbreaking.  I've been sitting with this set of considerations for three days now and that is what I come up with. 

More to follow. 

God knows my every step

God knows my every step. 

I don't.  But God does. 

 

I look ahead into the next years and wonder, what steps will I take?

I have ideas

I have dreams

I have fantasies

And I have a healthy respect for reality, that large silent fellow

He will flow in, whether I expect or approve or agree. 

 

I make plans,

I consider options,

I work toward a goal. 

A new goal.  A new life.  A new direction.

A detour, it will be. 

Will I be glad I did it? 

Will I be sorry to lose what I love in the now? 

 

I can’t know. 

But my life has been a long series of passive movements

Taking the paths that came easily

I am grateful for the opportunities, the support, the love

But I am ready to stand up and walk. 

 

God knows my every step. 

 

(for Abbey of the Arts Poetry Party ; image courtesy of Christine Valters Paintner)

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 26

“Glory to God in the Highest”

Continue contemplating the Nativity. Join the shepherds in the countryside and then journey with them to visit the baby Jesus. As you pray through Jesus’ life, you will notice how often he surrounds himself with people like the shepherds—those who are poor and on the margins of society. Rejoicing in the good news of Jesus’ birth, the shepherds become Jesus’ first disciples.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following grace: to know Jesus more intimately, to love him more intensely, and to follow him more closely.

Read

Read Luke 2:8–20. (The Shepherds Visit Jesus)
Accompany the shepherds as they hear the good news and visit the baby Jesus.

Glory to God in the Highest is actually Glory to God in the Lowest.  Glory to God in the unseen.  It seems quite clear. 

This is Spring Break Week at my university.  All students are gone, and many staff.  We had a holiday Monday (blest holiday!) but today we are back, and it appears that I am the only one from my division who is actually working in this building. 'Tis very peaceful so far.  Outside the storm is storming, but birds are singing because this rain is here to stay a few days.  I'm all alone...

Except that one who serves us, all of us who use this building, is working also.  I met our custodian, Dora, today.  Most of the custodial staff work early midnight  to midday, so if we see them it's largely in the hallways, polishing glass doors or emptying recycle bins.  They work in our offices in the early hours of the mornings, when we are still sleeping.  I introduced myself to Dora this morning as I came in: somehow I have been here 4 months and apparently have been too busy and full of myself to do that.  (I said hello, but to stop and introduce?) 

Today's a new day, rainy and spring.  I planted a garden this weekend.  What may come?

 

Friday Five: Late!!

Jan says at RevGals:  I have looked repeatedly at RevGals to see where today's Friday Five is. . . . AND only right now, at 2 pm in Texas, do I realize I am the one in charge! I am sorry I am so late and forgetful.

That brings forth all the times I've been late or forgot something. How about you?

When have you been late or a no-show? When have you forgotten something or someone?

1. at church:  One time I signed up to keep watch with the blessed sacrament between the end of the Maundy Thursday service and the beginning of Good Friday.  My watch time was something like 2 am, and I totally slept through it.  AUGH!  I was horrified when I woke up and realized what I had done!  "Can you not watch with me for one hour?"  Apparently not.  Well, anyway, it was a good lesson in humility, and the world didn't end.  Nowadays I don't even sign up for that, because my current church puts all the ready-to-burst Easter lilies in the chapel with the sacrament, and it's a giant allergy attack in the making.  :P

2. at home:  Hmm.  We used to have a cat and her favorite thing EVER to do was to sneak up into the attic when we had the door open and weren't looking, and then she'd get stuck in there.  It was sometimes a few days before we'd realize it and go let her out...I always felt terrible, but she wasn't a stupid cat, and she could pretty much guess what would happen if she went up there. 

3. at work: Here is what I forget:  Attachments to emails.  Important emails, that are going out to lots and lots of people I don't know.  Gosh, I just did it this morning. 

4. with friends:  I meet my BFF Valerie for early morning coffee once a week.  Some days...I remember to set the alarm...and some days I don't.  And sometimes even though the alarm is going off, I still don't remember why it's going off so early and I axe it. Now, we meet for the coffee and for dinner once a week too.  Easier to remember and we can have a drink!

5. ? where else?:  On my schedule. I am absolutely terrible about double scheduling myself.  Nowadays I keep my whole life calendar on my Outlook, and it's available on my phone. Theoretically I don't have any reason to do this anymore, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still happen.  Oy.

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 25

The Birth of Jesus

Having rejoiced with Mary in her “yes” to God, we begin to walk with Jesus from his birth, through his hidden life and public ministry, to the foot of the cross at Calvary.

In these weeks, we ask repeatedly for a grace fundamental to the Second Week of the Exercises: “to know Jesus more intimately, to love him more intensely, and to follow him more closely” (SE 104). This idea of the “more”—encapsulated in the Latin word, magis—is vital for Ignatius. The Exercises are intended to tap into a zeal that impels us to more knowledge, love, and service of God and others.

The order of these graces is important. We can rush to find out what our calling in life is, without really knowing the One who calls us. If we focus on first knowing and loving Jesus, then the call to serve becomes clearer and we can approach it with less fear. We really cannot love someone unless we first know him or her on some deeply personal level. Ultimately, it is possible to follow Jesus only if we are rooted in our love for him.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following grace: to know Jesus more intimately, to love him more intensely, and to follow him more closely.

Read

Read Luke 2:1–7. (The Birth of Jesus)
Contemplate the scene of Jesus’ birth. Ignatius suggests placing yourself directly in the scene:

See the persons; that is, to see Our Lady, Joseph, the maidservant, and the infant Jesus after his birth. I will make myself a poor, little, and unworthy slave, gazing at them, contemplating them, and serving them in their needs, just as if I were there, with all possible respect and reverence. (SE 114)

The problem is, this scene is WAY too far removed from us, me, now for me to feel comfortable with it.  Removed in time, in geography, in custom & tradition and cell phones and animal stalls.  I never knew a house without a TV set; the world Jesus was born into might as well be Mars.  And, therefore, I feel uncomfortable with it.  Foreign to it. 

The way you get to know someone, REALLY know someone, so that later when you meet someone else from that place or religious group you are not afraid or put off by the other, is that you do something together.  Like, you work a a job together, or build a house, or they are your colleague and you have lunch together and they tell you what it was like to grow up in Pakistan, and what Pakistani wedding customs are. 

Of course, the fallacy in that may be that the first person you know is culturally Muslim, where the next one is devout. Also, it's a very surface knowledge

Such that they are learning about Christianity, in a small way, from knowing you, so that in a presentation by Dan Savage where he tells that many gay teens go to churches where they hear from the pulpit that "God Hates Fags," your culturally Muslim colleague leans over and asks if that is said in YOUR church.   You want to get offended, because you sure wouldn't be going to THAT church, but they ask because they don't know and are curious. 

I think this is what is called, running away from the question.

I'll be back.

***

And now that I'm back, I offer this, from someone who "followed the prompt":

 

 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 24

The Birth of Jesus

Having rejoiced with Mary in her “yes” to God, we begin to walk with Jesus from his birth, through his hidden life and public ministry, to the foot of the cross at Calvary.

In these weeks, we ask repeatedly for a grace fundamental to the Second Week of the Exercises: “to know Jesus more intimately, to love him more intensely, and to follow him more closely” (SE 104). This idea of the “more”—encapsulated in the Latin word, magis—is vital for Ignatius. The Exercises are intended to tap into a zeal that impels us to more knowledge, love, and service of God and others.

The order of these graces is important. We can rush to find out what our calling in life is, without really knowing the One who calls us. If we focus on first knowing and loving Jesus, then the call to serve becomes clearer and we can approach it with less fear. We really cannot love someone unless we first know him or her on some deeply personal level. Ultimately, it is possible to follow Jesus only if we are rooted in our love for him.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following grace: to know Jesus more intimately, to love him more intensely, and to follow him more closely.

Read

Read Luke 2:1–7. (The Birth of Jesus)
Contemplate the scene of Jesus’ birth. Ignatius suggests placing yourself directly in the scene:

See the persons; that is, to see Our Lady, Joseph, the maidservant, and the infant Jesus after his birth. I will make myself a poor, little, and unworthy slave, gazing at them, contemplating them, and serving them in their needs, just as if I were there, with all possible respect and reverence. (SE 114)

For Reflection

Some Insight into Redemption
Consider a blissfully happy couple finding all they need in one another. For no other reason than generosity and the desire to share their happiness, they decide to adopt children as their own. From then on their life undergoes a profound change. Now they are vulnerable; their happiness is wrapped up in the welfare of the children; things can never be the same again.

If the children choose to alienate themselves and start on the path to ruin, the couple are stricken. They will plead, humble themselves, make huge sacrifices, go out of themselves to get their loved ones to understand that the home is still their home, that the love they have been given is unchanging.

This perhaps, gives us some insight into redemption. In a mystery we cannot fathom, God “empties,” “loses” Himself, in bringing back to Himself His estranged, lost children. And this is all the Father wants. This is the only remedy for His wound. God is no longer pure God, but always God-with-humanity-in-His-heart.

So, God loves us unconditionally and will always take us back, no matter what I do or say.  That's not so hard for me to believe, since I had a mother who was like that (fortunate me!) - it is harder for people who do not have someone in their background who gives that unconditional regard. 

Jesus, who are you?  Where are you?  You love me that same way, right?  Some days I feel very close; today, not. 

 

 

 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 23

The Annunciation

God responds to the “groaning” of creation very concretely. Narrow your imaginative gaze from a broad perspective and focus on the details of how God saves in history: “See in particular the house and rooms of Mary, in the city of Nazareth in the province of Galilee” (SE 103).

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following graces: a deeply felt knowledge of God’s dream for the world; awe and wonder at the mystery of the Incarnation.

Read

Read Luke 1:26–38. (The Annunciation)
Imagine the sights, sounds, and smells of the scene, when the angel Gabriel greets the young woman. Listen to their conversation. Notice the expressions on their faces and the movement of their bodies. Conclude by praying a colloquy with Mary.

**

Oh, Mary!  Are you all right?  This can't possibly be what you had planned. 

This certainly is not a fragrant or pleasing room but after the angel was here...that's not really noticeable...like in the Febreze commercials.

Mary, what will your life be like now? 

I suppose that's the point...you don't know...and having had the Holy Spirit come over you, you also don't care about those minor details. 

How will you go ahead?  You have hard choices to make, hard news to give, hard roads to walk. 

That Holy Spirit thing clearly has her covered...nothing seems AS hard or AS scary or as huge, when HS has your back. 

Mary, how can I get that Holy Spirit thing?

I hear, "Ask and ye shall receive."  Okay, I'm asking.  And saying "Thank You" right up front.)

"Addictions for Nines"

Addictions for Nines can include overeating or undereating due to lack of self-awareness and repressed anger, lack of physical activity, and misuse of depressants, alcohol, and drugs. Be aware of these tendencies today. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 351)

Uh, thanks.  I didn't know this about myself. 

As. if.

I've spent the last two weeks eating as if I were TRYING to gain weight, instead of being on WW.  And, accordingly, gaining weight at each weigh-in.  And I did have the thought: "well, at least I'm not a drinker."  Because that totally makes it okay, right? 

I got to the WW meeting yesterday afternoon with a headache (lovely Spring allergies) and thought, "well, this is dumb.  I'm not driving all the way across town for this any more."  (You need to know how small this town is for that to be properly ridiculous.)  But, whatever works, works. Last night I managed to stop eating after dinner. That is the trouble time.  So that was big. 

 

I started a book last night that Gigi Greene turned me on to called Mindset by Carol Dweck.  There's a pretty good website for it that you should check out.  The premise is that one either has a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.  For instance, a fixed mindset says, "I can't do math, never could."  A growth mindset says, "cool!  Math's hard!  I'm going to figure that out!" 

I'm feeling very challenged by this (in a good way).  More to follow, I'm sure. 

 

Ignatian Prayer Adventure Day 22

Contemplation on the Incarnation

We begin by looking at the big picture. Last week we reflected on sin and its terrible effects on us and our world. Now we contemplate the Incarnation of Jesus—God’s response to sin.

In the Contemplation on the Incarnation, we gaze on the world with the Trinity—with God who is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We get lost in the mystery of the Incarnation. We marvel at how God works through ordinary people like Mary and Joseph. We are filled with great gratitude because God wanted to get close to us by becoming human in Jesus of Nazareth. In this way, God makes divine love imminently available to all people.

The Grace I Seek

I pray for the following graces: a deeply felt knowledge of God’s dream for the world; awe and wonder at the mystery of the Incarnation.

Contemplate the Incarnation

We begin the contemplation by imagining the three Divine Persons gazing on “the whole surface or circuit of the world, full of people” (SE 102)

Consider what the Divine Persons (and you) see and hear: men and women of different sizes, shapes, and colors; rich and poor; old and young. People speaking different languages. Some being born, others dying; some running and playing, others sick and suffering. Some laughing, others crying. Some screaming and shouting, others praying and singing.

With the gaze of the Trinity, consider how people are treating one another: some loving, others hating; some hugging, others hitting; some helping, others ignoring, hurting, and killing. What do you see and hear?

How do you feel as you imagine the world in this way? How do the three Divine Persons respond to the joys and sufferings of the world? How does the God who is Love respond to us, God’s children, who are lost, aimless, suffering, sinning, confused, and hurting?

Hear the Divine Persons saying, “Let us work the redemption of the human race” (SE 107).

Gaze on the beauty of the human race:  I'd like to think I do this daily, but the truth is, I forget.  It mostly comes to me when I am frustrated somewhere: in the grocery store line, behind someone who is having a problem with their payment, coupons, etc.  Then I think, "I have a choice.  Instead of getting frustrated, I can thank God for this person."  And I do. I think about how Jesus is right there in them, and how much God loves them, and how amazing that is. 

I sometimes remember to do this on the university campus where I work, as well.  The amazing variety of young people (and not young people), the things they think to wear, the things they do with their hair....life's rich pageant.