I don't like to think of myself as someone who has enemies. In my current life and work, I don't have any ... of whom I am aware, at least.
But in my prior job, there were a few people who I, at various times, described as my Bêtes noire. My Black Beasts, my bugbears, the people who sent me home angry, frothing at the mouth, clenched and aggravated and sometimes crying.
I believe that the difficulties I had with these people were due to the fact that I got in the way of what they wanted to do, or the way they wanted to do it. Surely we both had reasons for our choices, ones that we considered good. Two sides to every story, tra la.
One of those people died recently after a brief, serious illness. He was an older person, so it didn't come as a huge shock. But I was shocked. I felt vaguely guilty. Because, the truth be told, I hated him at times. Not that I think I am powerful enough to make people sick with my displeasure. But I didn't always send him love and acceptance of him as he was, and all that nice stuff. I sent him some bad juju at times.
Earlier today, a document came across my desk from one of the others. I was surprised at the visceral, physical reaction I had. "Augh! Not that person!!!!" My stomach clenched, I had to breathe deeply. I had to set it down. I had to come start drafting this so I would not forget.
I don't want this kind of reaction in my life. I've worked hard on other memories, buried and not, so that certain stressful or traumatic situations or triggers don't have to cause me to respond the way I've always responded. I can sit in the room with arguments now, without getting upset and without feeling the need to fix it. I can say "no" with some success, in some situations. I can say, "I'm disappointed that X happened, and I would like it to be like Y in the future." And I don't have to feel like I am in charge of the health, success, and happiness of the world. At least not on a daily basis.
I don't want my bad feelings to make me ill. Nor do I want those bad feelings to emerge from me toward others. I believe that's akin to a sort of anti-praying.
So, I have work to do with my feelings about these people, and the two others. And it will include thinking of them, breathing, working out the places in my body where my anxious and angry reactions come from, and also praying for the best for them. So that if I see them on the street, I don't have to fight to keep from turning the other way. So that I can "love them, bless them, and release them to their own indwelling power of the Spirit."
