Terrapin Station

Friday Five: Looking Forward and Back

Over at RevGals, Sally writes:

A simple Friday Five for a busy part of the year; indulge me by sharing two fives:

As you look back over 2011 share 5 blessings; they can be as grand or as simple as you like; if your year has been like mine, they are probably a mixture!

As you look towards 2012 share 5 hopes- again, anything goes!

1) Ken's cancer treatment this year didn't turn out anything like we thought it would.  Still overcoming obstacles.  We were blessed by love and support from people near and far: church, web, RevGals, family.  There were nurses and one particular dentist who turned out to be angels. 

2) Perhaps the greatest blessing is that he has now put together a week of good days.  That is the first since before treatment began in June.  He's out on a motorcycle run right now and I'm delighted.  Gorgeous sunny weather and great for riding. 

3) Internet community of tubies...people who eat or feed someone a blenderized diet...has been invaluable.  Ken was never able to tolerate Ensure or other medically created formulas for enteral feeding, and I learned so much from the folks online about using a Vitamix blender to create varied, nutritious, and tolerable meals for him.  Especially I met ("met") Aadhar O'Gorman, a fascinating fellow in Australia who has been a pioneer in this area...while his degenerative condition is bringing his death ever nearer.  His writing about these things is fascinating and moving, and his plans for a Natural Burial appeal to me greatly.  Check out Entropy and Light at this link. 

4) My parents have endured ongoing health challenges but are well supported by their church, friends, and my local sister and her family.  For self-preservation I have had to set boundaries and get clear that Ken and his care was my priority this year.  I have not been to San Angelo but once since May...for a great 168th birthday party that honored both my parents (Mom was 80 and Dad turned 86).  They have a new lady named Velma who comes in and loves and cares for them.  I am delighted by this.  I want to be there but can't, and I'm glad that she and Nancy my sister can. 

5)  Our daughter Holley is doing so well and I'm so proud of her.  At 32 she is working as an EMT and is building a house in the Houston area.  And while this year has been extremely challenging for Brandon (22) and for our relationship with him...I truly believe we have all learned from it.  He is working at UNT in Facilities Management and I am proud of his commitment to that job and learning new things. I guess this one belongs in the Hopes area too.  We hope so much for our kids, especially their taking responsibility and learning to be happy and productive away from us.  

6) Too important to leave out...Amy Haynie's ordination to the diaconate in May and to the priesthood in December.  What a glory to God.  She came to visit Ken during our December week in the hospital (the week prior to her priestly ordination) and as I watched her minister to both of us, and anoint him and pray, the rightness and trueness of this long-denied vocation flooded me.  The Spirit was present in that place.  Thanks be to God.

Hopes

1) I hope that Ken continues to feel better each day.  I hope that we can find a doctor/nutritionist/other person who will be ideally trained to help him create a plan of moderate exercise and body-building diet to regain the strength and muscle tone that the year has taken from him. 

2) I hope I can (and will!) now concentrate some more on my own body and soul and their needs.  This week's vacation has amply illustrated that, once all the responsibilities of work and Christmas "let down" I sort of collapsed.  Including literally; I had a bad fall in the driveway a few days ago and I'm all beat up.  I am certain that is my body's way of saying, "Hey...slow down and pay attention."  So here I am. 

3) I chose a word for the year, which was by invitation of Christine Valters Paintner at Abbey of the Arts.  Here is what I wrote at the blog: 

My word for 2012 is "window." This is important to me in many ways.

In 2009 I changed jobs and was moved into a small room without a window. I loved the work but hated the enclosed feeling; it felt like a punishment for 2 years.

Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to move to a new space with TWO (2) windows. It's on the third floor of an old building and I glory, glory in the light, the views, the rain, the birds and squirrels.

And my husband had cancer treatment this year. We are looking forward from a sad and bad year to a new and healthier, happier one. We are looking into the window of the new year for our future.

What will we see?

I am physically washing windows of my home in this vacation.  I will be focusing on this through the year...figurative window cleaning...Like Felix, who became a Bishop in Madeleine L'Engle's A Severed Wasp...who told Katherine he was "a window cleaner." His call was to be a person who cleared the way for others.  I need to at least be that for myself.  I hope to be. 

4) I hope to be on the RevGals BE5 Cruise in late January/early February.  I have been signed up for months, and paid up, and at this point am totally planning on it.  There have been times in the last few months when I have doubted I would feel free to leave Ken. I hope, oh I hope, I can go.  I need it so much. 

5) and I hope so much for our world.  Just typing that brings tears.  I feel very vulnerable and horrible for the pain and suffering that are so many people's daily lives...and animals', and the planet's...I am praying to discern where my ministry is outside my home. 

Happy 2012 to all!

Items of Christmas Eve (and the eve of it)

Night before Christmas, we go to bed early. Ken wakes up ~10 spiking a fever, over 100 degrees, very high for him. Alka Seltzer, rubbing alcohol, panic. Fever comes down within an hour. Wake up all night to take his temp with the forehead thermometer (such an invention). Not much sleep. Do not know why this happened.

Also in the night: dog barks like maniac, indicating unwelcome small visitor in kitchen. Ken deliriously constructs a Maginot Line of household items in doorways to prevent dogs from getting into kitchen. Visitors are welcome to do as they wish this night, but dogs MUST. STOP. BARKING.

He didn't get a lot of sleep either and snoozes past noon. Wakes up ready for Christmas with Brandon. We go to IHOP for the classic family meal.

The three of us go shopping at Tractor Supply, cause that's how we roll. Visitor removal supplies obtained.

Come home, nap. Wake up feeling like I've poked myself in the eye, and with a mouth full of ulcers. Stress much?

Dog barks like maniac: visitor spotted. Ken sets up the supplies purchased for him. I feel a great relief that I am no longer the only person in the house doing this sort of thing. Welcome back to mousetrapping, sweetie!

Soon: leave for church. Because my mouth hurts but my heart is glad. :) Merry merry to you all!

If I ran the zoo...

No, no, no...it's "if I were preaching"

Or maybe it's "what I need someone to preach to ME this Christmas"

Anyway.  That's what the RevGals are thinking about on this Friday, December 23: what message will they bring to their congregations this Christmastide? 

Here is what I have heard in the last week that grew into the idea really makes it Christmas for me this year. Darned if I can remember where I watched or heard or read it: 

God became a human person. Most religions' deities stay comfortably where they are, but not this God, our God, the God named I AM. 

God loved us so much that God became a human and lived and died like a human.  And you know, human life can really be awful. Especially when Jesus was born, in ways that I doubt we in the 21st century western world can really imagine.  Infant mortality, murders by dictators, rape, incest, child abuse (wait, this is from yesterday's newspaper...)

What really transfixes me on this incarnation idea is not the lovely (? ask Mary about the adjective) birth part...babies don't really remember much of that as they grow...but the not-so-lovely life and death part. 

Whether you believe that Jesus' death on the cross was God's plan, or that it was not necessarily God's plan but was still what happened (all in the name of redemption, of course) -

it was horrible. It was the worst and most painful and humiliating way to inflict suffering and death in the first century. 

In this year when my loved one has been betrayed by his body and by modern medicine so miserably (all in the name of healing, of course) - 

I see that incarnation just a little bit differently. 

I have said for years that when I see God, the first thing I am going to do is kick God in the leg, because the ways most bodies break down as we age and die seems like such a betrayal. 

Sure, I know of people who have lived happily and vigorously to age 78, and then died suddenly in their sleep. "What a great way to go." But we all know that is not the prevailing way, not in this Great Age of Medical Innovation that keeps us alive longer and longer to receive more and more exquisite tortures intended to help us.

(You see why no one is actually going to let me preach this...right?  That's why I blog). 

Here's the money line:   Jesus didn't know what was going to happen to him...but he signed up for it anyway. He accepted the job and essentially said, "okay, whatever this ends up meaning for me, I'm going to work to overturn the rotten rule by people and introduce the kingdom of God on this planet." 

In the years following Jesus' death, we have tried to carry on what he taught and planned. We seem to have gotten off track a good bit, as we fuss and stew about church schisms, resolutions and covenants. We forget about the infant mortality, murders by dictators, rape, incest, child abuse...that would likely have been of more interest to Jesus than policies and procedures and what color the paraments are this week. 

The challenge of Christmas is to think how we will live. How we will use our wild and precious lives to bring the kingdom.  And to know that whatever pain, loneliness, illness or torture we may confront and experience, Jesus knows what that's like; he's been there. 

What do I have to do, then?  For years I've been unable to watch TV commercials that show abused animals - I have to leave the room.  Same for children in poverty.  I sponsor some women and children through various agencies, but it's all very safe and comfortable, and I wonder....

And recently I read something by Pema Chodron that advised to embrace the thing you fear.  Smile at your fear.  Lean into the sharp places.  There's a lot I am afraid of.  But I'm going to take a step and see what volunteering at the animal shelter might be like.  There's a training session in January. 

I've always said that when I see Jesus, the first thing we are going to do is hug, and he's going to say, "Mary Beth!  I've been looking all over for you!" and then we will sit down and play jacks together. I do realize that the Trinity means that Jesus and God are the same person. I need to work on connecting that in my head and in my heart. No kicking.  Just loving. 

Picture found at Theology Lived website, produced by the Office for Faith and Learning at Biola University.

Thoughts from a dietitian on blenderized meals

These thoughts from a dietitian were shared on the Blenderized Diet group at Yahoo.  Email

[email protected] to learn more and ask to join. 

Hi Group

I thought I would share some info since a few of you have mentioned that
you receive some "push back" from your doctors and dietitians about home
made formula. I have just recently embarked on this trip down the
homemade formula path. This is what I would mention to your healthcare
professional:

Tube feeding formulas were hand blended for decades in hospitals and
homes. It was only the 70's when canned formula became available. This
was the age of baby formula too when being able to see and measure what
the baby got seemed so important. In the near past, the 60's, there was
no other way than blended by hand.

The Cadillac of canned formula is called "Compleat" and it is
blenderized food in a can. Its expensive. Home blenderized costs about
40% less than the standard (cheap) stuff and 10 - 20% of the high tech
formulas.

Most of the rest of the world continues to make home blenderized
formula. The big reason why canned was so immediately embraced here was
the fact that the stuff is sterilized right before canning and so it is
perceived safer for hospitals to serve. But don't kid yourself, the
real reason was to reduce labor!

Let's look at commercial stuff: corn syrup, isolated milk or soy
protein and canola oil. Let's say you go to your doctor and tell
him/her that you are going mix up these ingredients, add a
vitamin-mineral supplement and drink it every day and eat nothing else.
Does that sound healthy?

I think you guys are on to something with the healthful benefits of
homemade formula - you are pioneers, and in my research it seems there
is a movement afoot. So, I hope this helps.

Friday Five: Making a List

Jan says at RevGals: 

Ever since I was little, I heard that Santa is making a list and checking it twice. I can see why he has to keep checking it, because there is so much to do before Christmas! Only nine days left, and I don't have church services to plan, but there is much left to be done. My daughter-in-law tells me that she feels behind, which is how I have been feeling.

No matter how organized you are, there must be some things you still need to do. For this Friday Five, tell us five things on your Christmas "To Do" List. Include anything you have decided to skip doing this year. As a bonus, give us something that helps you remember why this season even exists.

'Tis a strange Christmas at my house:  no decorations up yet.  Ken and I have agreed that we will deck the IV pole (which we have used for tube feedings) with lights and that will be our tree.  Much easier to take down, too...! 

So, there's that to do. 

I have 4 gift cards to buy and mail, and I will get them at church this Sunday, where the Manna Money ministry sells them and gleans a little $ for the church budget. 

I have a few things to wrap for the kids, and a box to mail to our Houston girls. 

No Christmas Cards this year.  Maybe Easter ones...

Oh, and I haven't been in choir all year, so no choir singing at the services for me.  I'll be in the congregation. 

Bonus:  The reason for the season:  I try to focus on things like the people paying off strangers' layaway bills at KMart.  And to remember this, from my friend Elsie Dennis: 

"I pray this message for all those who come to Christmas thinking they do not have enough to give. Caught in a consumer culture that shames them if they cannot afford to buy all they feel they should. Hear the healing word of God: what you have to give cannot be bought. Your most precious gifts are the same ones Jesus gave to you. Give your time to those who need you. Give your forgiveness to those who hurt you. Give your love to all around you. You are the gift of God. You are the reason God came, and was born a poor child, and gave not as the world gives, but as only a generous spirit can give, the true spirit of Christmas." The Rt. Rev. Steven Charleston, Choctaw

 

 

Where did the writing go?

Like that of most of my friends, my once-robust blogging life has dropped off. This is largely due to Facebook, where I am daily due to work responsibilities.

But, when I do try to write nowadays, I find that I have lost it ("IT," whatever that is.)  I don't seem to have the ability I once did to put together thoughts into a coherent piece of writing longer than what Facebook updates require. 

This is a problem. Part of my job is producing a magazine, and I need to do much of the writing on that, and we need to get an issue out in the Spring. I go back and try to edit things that I wrote or started earlier, and actually marvel that I was able to do work like that...where did it go?  When I took this job, I was so excited, because one of the things I am is:  I am a writer.  hat's been part of my identity for as long as I can remember. Where did it go? 

I think it might have gone to the same place as the knitting. I took knitting on the RevGals BE 4.0 and so I have the front panel of a sweater finished...but I never got back to it after the trip. And when I thought of taking it to our many doctor appointments or treatments, it just didn't make sense. 

I've tried, lately. I have...let's see...five posts in draft form that I have worked on. Some of these have to do with information I want to share, eventually, with other folks who have head & neck cancer, or who care for someone who does. Things I have learned, that I would rather not have learned the hard way or had to figure out piecemeal from the internet. If what we've been through  can help someone, then that's definitely a positive. But somehow, I can't get them done. Writing them feels like running through glue. 

So I'm going back to the old Artist's Way theory that writing daily makes one a writer.  Sharpens the saw, as the Covey folks would say. We'll see how I do on the 750 Words thing. 

And I fell in love with the colors and pattern of an afghan kit I saw recently: 

Craftsman Afghan, Ocean colorway.  From KnitPicks.com

and I splurged on it.  I realize that this does NOT get that sweater any closer to being finished, but starting fresh with "something completely different" makes it seem possible. 

I'mthinking that all my creative energy has been used up in cheerleading and caretaking. Did you know that it's hard to let go of caretaking, by the way, when you've devoted yourself to it for an extended period of time?  (You mamas out there had no idea, right?) 

We'll see.